Each of us dreams of building a relationship in which mutual understanding and harmony with our partner reign, but unfortunately, in the modern world this is often not so easy to achieve. In addition, there are many opinions, judgments and even teachings about who should be in charge in relationships and family so that they are long-term and harmonious. In this material we will analyze this topic from the point of view of universal balance.

Looking ahead, I will say that the point of view presented here may greatly diverge from generally accepted concepts regarding who is in charge in a relationship and who is a follower. After reading this material in its entirety, you will discover one of the great magical secrets. It is simple and elementary, obvious, but not everyone can resort to its application due to their established views on what a healthy relationship in a couple should look like.

To begin with, I will say a not very clear, but important thing that will change your understanding of the natural order of things and break the modern stereotype established in our society that all people are equal, both men and women. May feminists who fight for women's rights forgive me. At the same time, “fiery greetings” to the muscular representatives of patriarchal society, who for centuries have infringed on the rights of women, considering the latter to be servants to fulfill their desires, including erotic ones. Personally, no one here will praise you and don’t expect it!

Men and women are not equal, they are different: physiologically, psychologically, mentally, etc.! This is how Nature originally intended it!

This does not mean that someone is bad and someone is good. They are equivalent, but not equal! We are initially different creatures, period! Accept this fact and it will immediately become easier for you to understand why your partner “doesn’t hear you,” “doesn’t understand you,” “reacts wrong,” etc. and so on. You speak “different languages” from the start! You think that if a person of the opposite sex speaks the same language as you, he correctly understands the meanings you put into the words. But no! There is a nuance here and it is hidden in the difference in the mental structure of the minds of men and women, and, accordingly, in the perception of the same words differently.

This is the main and primary reason for any misunderstanding in couples. Misunderstandings are aggravated if people do not speak honestly and openly enough with each other, including about what offends whom and what does not suit whom. And also what and who perceived it and in what context (whether he perceived it correctly). Secret grievances, suspicions and mistrust further destroy relationships and lead the couple to a crisis, from which not everyone gets out. And here we found another reason for most betrayals, separations and divorces. The selfishness of one of the partners and the complete dissatisfaction of the needs of the other is a sure road to the fact that the couple will break up. And it doesn’t matter who was the “tyrant” here and who was the “victim,” a man or a woman. The balance has been upset, and that never ends well!

SO, WHOSE IS THE THRONE THEN?

Of course, there should be one throne, many of you will think?! Yes and no! This is a complex and at the same time very simple truth. I’ll explain how this is now.

Each of you should have your own throne in your relationship!

This does not mean that a man will put a “crown on his head” and begin to think that he is in charge, and a woman will put it on herself. This is a road to nowhere and an eternal struggle for the right to wear a “weightier crown”!

Only relationships in full balance will be complete and happy. This means that a man should have a throne for his beloved woman, and a woman should have a throne for her beloved man. They crown each other, not their loved ones! And such a simple balance is not so easy to achieve.

One of the biggest risks in this model is the imbalance in trying to implement this model in a relationship!

The risk is that one of the partners can cheat and take advantage of their status at the expense of the greater love and affection of the other.

What to do in this case? Of course, talk about your needs, discuss what offends you and what you don’t like. And, if your partner doesn’t hear you (or pretends not to hear you), stop crowning him and take the throne from him.

Is there a risk that such a relationship will fall apart? Yes, of course there is! But ask yourself the question: “Am I ready to spend priceless years of my life on a person who only takes and does not give anything in return?” And then answer it honestly for yourself.

This model can serve as a litmus test for your relationship, an indicator of your partner’s decency, and it can also shatter your “rose-colored glasses” with the lenses inward. And then you will see the true face of the person with whom you could live for many years. And here you don’t need to look for or assign someone to blame, engage in self-digging, or think about what you did wrong there. It's simple, right! Your partner is either ready for an equal exchange with you, or he is not and you are simply being used because it is convenient!

But I emphasize that you should always try to calmly, without pretensions, discuss what is bothering you. If you find yourself in a situation where you have discussed everything, agreed, but the person cunningly and wisely continues to stick to his line. Your partner lives by the principle “I won’t do this again, but I won’t do it less either,” then draw a conclusion. And no, you didn’t imagine it! And no, you haven’t figured out how they’re trying to convince you of this! They are using you!

Understand that if you tell your partner about your feelings, and he (she) sort of realized that he was offending you, he even asked for forgiveness. Then he told you that he won’t do this again, but then he does the same thing, as if there was no conversation between you... the person has not forgotten, he simply doesn’t care about your feelings and it’s not you who have been sitting on his throne for a long time! In the best case, he himself sits on it because of his own inflated Ego; in the worst case, another person sits there, and you are a convenient temporary option for a comfortable life!

The bitter truth of life, which not everyone who reads this material will like! But we have gathered here to become happy, right?!

And, if one partner energetically vampirizes the other and tyrannies, if one doesn’t care, and the other only invests, if one loves, and the other allows himself to be loved and takes advantage of, then this is no longer a relationship, but codependency. It’s better to get out of it before it’s too late, so that later you don’t feel bitter and resentful for the years spent aimlessly. There are billions of people in the world, half of them are of the opposite sex. And while you are wasting your time on someone who doesn’t love or appreciate you, somewhere there is a person just like you. With a similar story, there is a person who could build a healthy, happy relationship with you in harmony and balance, but his place is taken by someone else while you endure all this. Remember this.

Sometimes magic lies not in conspiracies, love spells and rituals, but in completely elementary universal things and phenomena! But many do not see the truths that are right under their noses, which is a pity!

WHY IS ONE THRONE FOR TWO NOT OK?

Let's look at the generally accepted and more common models of building relationships and families in our post-Soviet society. Classically there are only two of them. The more common is patriarchal and the less common is matriarchal. Although there is another interesting category, I will call it under-soldiers and we will also talk about it below.

We will not touch upon the topic of same-sex marriage, and even more so, single mothers!

Because this is a topic for another large, detailed article, with all due respect to the above categories.

PATRIARCHAL MODEL OF RELATIONS

A model in which the man is the head of the family, he is the main one in the relationship. The so-called model, when the husband is the earner and breadwinner, and the woman is the keeper of the family hearth.

A model is only good when the man is mature enough, responsible and experienced.

Many will not agree with me, but in the modern world the model is quite dangerous and not always fair. Many men undeservedly enjoy the so-called benefits of this model. Now I will explain why.

In the classical sense, a man in this relationship model must provide financially for his family so well that his woman has the opportunity not to work, but to take care of her family and everyday life. In the best case, have a hobby or go to work for fun until you get bored with the possibility of quitting at any time. But! Usually men (we won’t talk about all of them, there are exceptions) who shout “I’m a breadwinner” earn either on an equal basis with their partner or (if the woman is lucky) she earns more. In addition, there are characters “looking for themselves” and generally unemployed, but at the same time he is the main “I am a man”, sitting on the neck of his woman, who works two or three jobs, and also cheats on his wife in his free time from “searching for himself” time. So, such a “head of the family” very often lives as a disabled person at home, i.e. in his world, a woman must come home from work, cook food, wash his things, clean the house, look after the children (if he has any), and then also inspire him to perform erotic exploits in bed. Because he believes that the woman owes and owes him here too. And if she is tired, then this is a woman’s problem.

In such relationships, very often (not for everyone), a tired, exhausted woman, naturally, does not have time to fulfill all the “shoulds” that have been thrust upon her, does not have time to take care of herself in such a way as to look like a model from a glossy magazine, and even less so with her there is no inspiration to please (and sometimes persuade) such a man in bed. In turn, “offended” and “deprived”, he goes to the Internet, to the street and looks at other beautiful, well-groomed women and very often surrounded by the care of other men. He finds bored ladies and successfully cheats on his wife, but he was cheated. He, his beloved, sits on this throne with a huge crown on his head and the status “I am a man” and “I have instincts,” completely not caring about the needs of his woman. Such relationships always have two outcomes. Either the relationship will fall apart sooner or later, because the woman is tired, or the partners will live to a ripe old age happily quietly hating each other, barking like dogs every single day.

There is another even more dangerous version of events for a woman in this kind of model. When a man abuses his power by taking advantage of the “I’m a man” status. This is when a woman begins to live with a man who fully provides for her, she does not work and can perform her immediate functions of home, everyday life, and children. But! There is a risk of falling for an abuser, a tyrant or a mentally unstable man who will hold her financially, beat her, cheat on her and mock her. She will not be able to leave because he has money, power and influence, and she has nothing, not even a profession, to support herself on her own. Moreover, in the event of a divorce, such men often take away children in order to take revenge on the woman, to humiliate her, to hurt her as much as possible.

To be fair, I will say that in this model of relationships there is a danger for the men themselves. In case he loves a woman very much, and she is a classic “sterlet” who only needs his money. After all, she sits on the throne here, convincing him that he is in charge here. In such cases, such a woman will change and use it.

And in extremely rare cases, if a man loves his adequate woman very much, then everything is smooth in such a relationship. But this is a story more about two thrones, not one.

MATRIARCHAL MODEL OF RELATIONS

A model in which the woman is the head of the family, she is the main one in the relationship. The so-called model, strong and independent – “mother”.

The model is good (for the time being), only for the self-affirmation of women offended by men.

Here the slippers of extremely radical feminists may fly at me, but I will still explain the logic of my presentation. This model is extremely harmful, primarily for women themselves. Why? Yes, because it is extremely convenient for irresponsible, weak and cunning men. It’s so convenient to sit “under the thumb” of the “mother” who decides everything, no initiative, no responsibility, and even if other men cry, they will sympathize with such a character. The wife is a tyrant, she cut off his balls, “poor man.” Meanwhile, a very thoughtful “poor man” happily dumped all his responsibility on a woman psychologically traumatized by a man from the previous category of relationships. And while such a woman lives by the principle “I am strong and independent” (because you cannot rely on men), she has already been hurt, the man joyfully returned to the womb of his mother, only the mother is young and beautiful, and sometimes she can also provide for him. A very comfortable model, for a man, of course. After all, a woman lives here, as in the saying: “I am a horse, I am a bull, I am a woman and a man!”

Moreover, in a relationship where the woman is the “mother,” sooner or later there comes a moment of lack of intimacy on the part of the man. After all, he found himself a “mother”, not a wife! And they don’t sleep with mothers! It’s not worth it for your mother, sorry, you can’t throw out the words from the song! The man will also begin to cheat on her either mentally (forums, dating sites, social networks and photos of other women) or physically. And a woman will sooner or later become disgusted with such a relationship. And there are two outcomes: either such a woman will refuse men altogether, completely disappointed in the representatives of the opposite sex, or she will meet a worthy man and return such a partner home to his mother, if she is still alive, at the same time listening to a story about what a bitch she is.

A strong and independent woman who strives to be the main one in a relationship is at great risk of hooking up with Alphonse, a pick-up artist or a psychopath who will also live at her expense. Such a character will use her, her resources, connections and benefits, suggesting that the throne is hers, and he himself will sit on this throne.

To be fair, I also note that not all men are looking for a “mother” in a relationship. This is a special type of psychologically traumatized men, usually suppressed in childhood by their own tyrannical and cruel mother or grandmother, if raised by a grandmother. Less commonly, those who were severely traumatized by a woman in a previous relationship. But this story is more about “revenge on all women,” an extremely unhealthy thing. A psychologically healthy man feels uncomfortable in a situation where they are trying to “drive him under his thumb.” They rather strive to be in charge in relationships and not depend on women.

short-sellers

A model of the illusion of equality, when a man and a woman live together and divide expenses “in half.”

Model of irresponsible men and unreasonable women.

Disturbances may also arise here, but I will now explain to you what the catch is in this system. We will talk specifically about the illusion of equality, which lies in the fact that a man has shifted part of his financial responsibility to a woman, but at the same time adheres to the opinion “I am a man” and the woman “should” lead everyday life, serving him as an everyday disabled person.

A very convenient model for not very successful and irresponsible men. Often, women who are insecure and traumatized by past relationships also end up in such relationships. Sometimes women who grew up without a father. Or women who were abandoned with a child, and there was no one to help (vulnerable categories). Such a woman finds a seemingly normal partner, agrees to this model, in an attempt to prove that she is not a mercantile bitch, and a man who does not want to grow, develop and bear responsibility happily agrees to this. It’s convenient for him, like this is such a modern approach, everything seems to be normal. But! As soon as the conversation turns to help in everyday life, he remembers the good old “I’m a man” and these are “woman’s duties”, and it is not proper for such a prince to perform a woman’s robot. At the same time, he either cannot or does not want to carry out his male work of providing financial support for the family in full.

So it turns out that in half, not in half at all, but the woman bears most of the responsibilities: giving birth and raising children, home and life, cooking, cleaning, working, and spending in half. In especially severe cases, all expenses are halved, except for women's: sanitary pads, clothes, cosmetics, etc. (this is only at her expense, she is not mercantile). After all, her housework is not work, but a duty, as the man sitting on his throne believes.

In extremely difficult cases, such men also argue that if a woman does not ask for anything, then there is no need to give her gifts, there is no need to look after her, and everything is fine, the woman is silent and does not make trouble. And in clinical cases, you can generally hear the phrase from such men: “Why do you need to give flowers? After all, they are expensive, there is no holiday... Still, everything is normal in a relationship!” The thought of stripping a flowerbed or picking daisies (completely free) in a field does not, of course, occur to such a hacker. In his world, a woman needs to be given flowers when he messes up, like she’ll scream less. Very funny “unfeminine” logic. Although most women will probably agree with me, in the idea that if a man seriously messes up, flowers will no longer help.

Such relationships are doomed to collapse from the very beginning. After all, her half-and-half partner, aka “I’m a man,” sits on his throne and there is no place for her there. The half-and-half man, by the way, takes a very big risk, because such a woman may one day meet another person who will behave towards her like a man. And it is at this dangerous moment that she will turn on the mode of searching for a worthy partner, reassessing values, and thinking about who I am actually spending my life on. And even if such a woman does not leave immediately, does not run to cheat on the man in half, she continues to play this game “like everything is fair”, the mode is already turned on, the mechanism is running. In such a relationship, in fact, there are already three of them: she, the “half-and-half” and the one who paid attention to her, showed concern, perhaps helped with something or gave something, or supported her in difficult times, etc. Against the background of a half-and-half partner who does not care about her needs, the second man will look like a knight, naturally the woman’s mind will be drawn to the one with whom she feels good and comfortable. And here there are two options for the development of events. First, the woman will continue to live with her partner, she will even remain faithful to him on the physical level, and that second man will turn in her mind into an unattainable ideal, into some kind of example of a worthy man, perhaps they will just be friends or stop communicating altogether, it doesn’t matter anymore. The half-and-half man himself will sit on the throne of her main partner (husband), naively believing that since the woman is silent, then everything is fine in their relationship. But on her throne, she will unconsciously place a second man, and the half-and-half man will remain out of work.

And the second option for the outcome of events. Still more condemned by public opinion, especially by the older generation of our parents and grandfathers, if the second man needs this woman, he will easily take her away.

Half-and-half in most cases, then they will rush around, raising public opinion with stories about “I did everything for her...”, “this is all because all women are mercantile and he has more money...”. In particularly severe cases, “it’s because he has a bigger penis...” etc... But they will never understand that the reason was that he sat himself on his throne, and there was no room left for a woman there. And the real reason is that the woman was not given due attention, her needs were not cared for, and she felt superfluous and unnecessary in a relationship with a half-and-half partner.

There is rarely a third option for the outcome of events, the so-called “escape.” A woman, crushed by public opinion, will stop communicating with her ideal, block, and go far away to save a family that essentially no longer exists. But then he will unconsciously find a reason for divorce. Either she will catch her partner’s husband of cheating, or she will find some other reason and still leave. She will live in search of her ideal, which is similar to that person (the second man).

Let me summarize everything stated above. As you already understand, building a healthy, happy and stable relationship requires balance, reciprocity and understanding of each other. If a man puts his woman on his throne, making her the Empress, and a woman puts her man on her throne, making him Emperor, then there will be balance in the relationship. Any imbalance and selfishness lead to the destruction of the balance, and, accordingly, to the collapse of the relationship. Therefore, try to hear your partner as much as possible, but do not forget about your needs. And remember that relationships are a “dance for two.” You cannot build a healthy relationship alone; both partners must want this.

May the force be with us!

Best regards, Margarita!

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